Monday, March 27, 2006

Awaiting the triple seal of freshness.

I don't know how many years men across the nation have had the option to buy an electric shaver with settings for 15 different skin sensitivities. How fortunate we are to live in such a great country that offers us the luxury to sample 15 different razor settings to find the one that best suits each different face. So, after settling on just the right one, I wonder what folks do with the other 14 settings they never use? Can they return the 14 they don't use for a partial refund?

I've never seen anyone with 15 different faces that would require such diversity in a shaver. Granted, we've all known a few that are two-faced.

Anyway, just a couple of months ago, Gillette introduced their newest men's product, the Gillette Fusion Power razor and the quality of life in the United States shot up dramatically. Fifteen to twenty percent by most estimates. For men, that is. That's because the new Fusion Power razor has five blades to shave your one face!

There was a lot of anticipation of this new product among most Americans prior to its introduction. That's because the Fusion was to have blades spaced 30 percent closer than in its Gillette predecessor, the MACH3Turbo shaving system. This is an incredible technological breakthrough!

Fusion's inevitability was sealed after Schick had launched a four-bladed razor, the Quattro, last year. And who'll ever forget the long lines of (mostly) men (and a few hirsute women) queued outside Wal-Marts in the darkness on that cold pre-dawn morning this past January, each jockeying for position to be among the first to use five blades of steel to shave their faces (and legs). Sadly, there was the one unfortunate death that morning outside a Walgreens of a premature pre-teen 11 year old trampled to death with a mustache.

I guess I was reminded of all this by news today from Ziploc, maker of those plastic storage bags. Ziploc has just introduced New Ziploc® Double Guard® Freezer Bags with the Double Zipper Seal. That's right, it has two zippers! And what is the reason for this latest piece of American ingenuity? Well, as Ziploc® reminds us, with two zippers on every plastic bag, your "Food stays fresher. Life stays organized. So you can spend more time with what's really important - family, friends and fun."

WAIT, WAIT: I did NOT make that Ziploc testimony up. Read it again. It's on their website. "Food stays fresher. Life stays organized. So you can spend more time with what's really important - family, friends and fun." Honest to god!

Well, what can I say? This is American technology at its highest. When you can increase spare time to devote to quality of life priorities like that, it's no wonder we're the envy of the rest of the world; why terrorists hate us; why we're at war with 'em!

Well, on news of this, I marched into my wife to announce, "When they come out with a triple zipper zip lock bag--probably by Glad--that's it, I'm slitting my wrists!" (My days are definitely numbered.)

She then reminded me that was something I was supposed to have done using the new Gillette Fusion Power razor's five bladed shaver when it appeared on the market. I'd forgotten.

"You'll have to smother yourself instead," she said, "with a triple zippered zip lock storage bag." I knew she was right.

"Well," I conceded, "at least it'll have a good seal."

24 comments:

enigma4ever said...

oh my....you are too funny...about the Fusion- my son HAD to have it..had to...
and he thinks it is way cool-
it has a vibration motion that he says contributes to the smooth "velvet" shave...

(ahem, that and he has like three hairs to shave...but he 's 15, cool now that HE has a Fusion)

dada said...

Oh my god, enigma. I hope he doesn't read this. (Is there anyway you can put a lock-out of my site on your computer just for him.

I had no idea. I'm truly sorry.

some_maineiac said...

heeeheeeheee, dada you are such a cut-up...just don't buy a razor, OK? you look good with a beard...

you realize that Ziploc, Glad, Shick, Gillette et.al. have grasped the secret to instant Nirvana...simply increase the number of zippers or blades, and the quality of life goes up accordingly...no muss, no fuss, nobody needs to spend a lifetime developing a philosophy or waste time following false gods! consumerism is great! more of everything!

what a country...

p.s. I have not shaved for 30 years, but i have bought zip-loc bags, so i'm doing my part...

Anonymous said...

30-yrs maineiac? well, that beats to hell the record I was going to crow about a cheap disposable razor that lasted me 8-months (might have gone further but husband made me throw it out; I think it belonged in the smithsonian & no pyramids were involved either & yes, I used it at least thrice weekly).

e4e, those three hairs will multiply fast. Your son is an organized pre-preparer.

And dada maybe if ziplock's single zipper would actually WORK after opening & closing a few times, they wouldn't have to resort to double or triple (at of course much increased cost). D.K.

some_maineiac said...

at least enigma's son has the sense (or the guidance) to use an electric shaver on the peach fuzz...my first experience at removing the downy fuzz that was the subject of much derision in high school (sans parental guidance, dad had too many problems of his own) was with a razor that succeeded best at removing an inch or so of skin from my jawline...the full beard started with the first job that would allow it...

i honestly don't know how women put up with shaving their legs, DK, but i'm grateful for the practice and I suppose the alternatives to a razor aren't pleasant (images of mel gibson using a hot wax come to mind)

enigma4ever said...

Here's the rule on shaving of legs...ONLY on holidays...
much less blood loss....
( BTW no one ever notices anyway....geez..what a waste of blood....Blind red head in shower praying that she doesn't bleed to death...)

( I refuse as a nurse to give Johnson &Johnson anymore money than I have to in Bandaid funds...)

( for a minute there Maine friend - 30 years- I was picturing ZZTop....wow....or Santa....)

Anonymous said...

enigma must be of the less-hirsute persuasion! I once pretended to be "european" for a month. Got tired of everyone wanting to feel my legs. Too wierd, I guess (sigh). So "only holidays" and hummm, April Fool's Day is coming up. Haha, Get out a new razor & put your contacts in, e4e! D.K.

some_maineiac said...

ha! practical observations by practical women...enigma forced by the circumstance of half-blindness to stem the blood loss and DK forced to adopt a compromise by the circumstance of weird friends who marvelled too much at her european bent...when my ex-wife and i were together, the only times i really noticed were the hard stubble stages (much lke whisker burn must be)

i do own scissors and use them on the facial hair to maintain a semblance of grooming...i tried the ZZ Top look, but my facial hair only grows so long and then stops...so i looked like a man with his head on upside down, not to mention that the wild man look tends to put people off...

dada said...

Okay, so we're all supposed to believe DK here? "Got tired of everyone wanting to feel my legs."

Many many years ago playing a party game, blindfolded on my knees, feeling legs, trying to locate the partner's I came to the party with, I'll never forget how stupid I was. I picked 'em out right off. Like a damn fool, I didn't feel all the legs to be absolutely sure. From that I learned never to rush a decision, especially when one hasn't examined all the evidence.

(Coda: That girl turned out to be my wife, so the story had a happy ending, despite my remorse at the time.)

Anonymous said...

LOL!!! (tears streaming) ... no, REALLY ... I think it was like a boy with a new haircut must feel when all the old aunties want to rub his head for good luck. And then my husband wanted to see if we could generate enough static for a balloon to stick! That put a quick end to my experiment.

maineiac "a man with his head on upside down" ... I'm not even EXACTLY sure what that meant, but the IMAGE ... you guys are hilarious! D.K.

dada said...

Okay, let me just get this sequence straight in my mind:

Your husband KNEW about everyone wanting to feel your legs, yet persisted on the static electricity science experiment? This is wonderful testament to a truly tolerant husband. You're so lucky to have a guy like that!

Anonymous said...

Well it's a LOT less provocative than it sounds, so settle down. There was a backyard BBQ & Spa involved. In the spa, one guy roughly knocked into my leg & apologized "sorry Tom". I had to say no, that's MY leg! After a big laugh, everyone had to feel my legs to see how they could be mistaken for Tom's. Wierdly, the women were most curious. Then later when some of the kids were making balloon animals, my husband instigated them into seeing if they could get balloons to stick to my legs & they did! So, that sealed the deal for me. Got the razor back out that night. This was all many years ago. Probably scarred some of those kids for life! (sorry to burst your balloon) D.K.

dada said...

Well, as the old saw goes, "If the balloon sticks, burst it!" (ugh, sorry, just couldn't resist)

Ok DK, thanks for the explanation. You're off the hook, as infeasible as that sounds "Tom".

enigma4ever said...

Okay since DK shared her tales with great humor and honesty,,,and even Maine fella told us his ....so I must come clean I guess....
Yes I am one of those PALE red heads that has like well no hair- My body looks like it has been to chemo camp..THE ONLY WAY my ex used to know that I had shaved my legs was when there was a trail of blood and bandaids- so finally after a few years I came up with the "FINE, FUCK'EM, I WILL ONLY SHAVE LEGS ON HOLIDAYS, AND WE WILL SEE IF ANYONE FUCKING NOTICES" ( Cause yeah, by then I realized that he was just laughing and acknowledging at my blood loss). and the joke was - YUP NO ONE NOTICED...
and yes, I could leave contacts in - but then I lost contacts in the shower...
Now about Holidays: yup April Fools day- YES, and
Mardi Gras, and Dead Presidents Day...I try to pick Interesting , hell even Sexy ones...( NOT FRIGGIN Easter), and hardly ever in the Summer, and hell no one even notices, and yeah you can tell Son really didn't need the Fancy razor- but had to Humor him....so there you go a Hygenic Sane Solution...

Now that being said- in my little neighborhood in the NW- I caused Quite a Revolution- I just mentioned it ONCE at a neighborhood cookout- and phew within weeks ALL the women in a 4 block radius were doing it- it was like the 60's had come back....it was very funny....
( and yes, the men knew it was my fault...one even sent me bandaids...hmmm)

some_maineiac said...

think back to a post when DK gave us creative and complimentary images and contrast it with these...

balloons can be made to stick to DK's legs

dada chose the right legs, for the wrong reasons

maineiac has his head on upside down

enigma answers a riddle posed by g.carlin a long time ago..."and where is the hair on a pear? nowhere, mon frere"

(now that i've shared this affair of the hair, I think I'll repair to my lair and use nair, do you care?)

(here's my beard, ain't it weird? don't be skeered, it's just a beard)

dada said...

great post maineiac. I think you've taken this to its inevitable evolution.

BTW, those lyrics you cited...I forget. What Dylan song were those from?

Anonymous said...

rats, busted (again)! and for HAIR (It's not for lack of bread, like the Grateful Dead). D.K.

enigma4ever said...

too funny I thought it was a DrSeus...but no it is Dylan? Grateful Dead? who?

So funny Maine Friend- I asked about the ZZ Top issue- I was always worried that they would get their beard stuck in the guitar...( such an ER nurse thing...)

Now that that is all sorted we can get back to saving the country....another Hairy subject...

( and DK and I have taught you so much ..hehe)

Anonymous said...

e4e, maineiac will have to answer for his quote, mine was from the musical HAIR. And ZZ Top! Did you ever watch St Elsewhere? There was a great episode where all the doctors & nurses play out their fantasies in a ZZ Top MTV parody. Ed Begley Jr had the ZZ Beard & twirling guitar thing down! God, I miss that show & wish I had understood the final episode which seemed to imply the whole series had taken place in the mind of an autistic child. D.K.

some_maineiac said...

the parenthetical quotes above are from g.carlin's "AM/FM"...i know the rap by heart, having listened to it endlessly, plus it's a rhyme, so it's easy to remember...

dada said...

thanks Maineiac for the clarification which was really unnecessary if I'd been paying better attention the first time round, huh? (Like, you told us that then, didn't you?)

You know, I really like Carlin, but in recent times, he scares me as being very angry. (I'm Xferring this to myself and it's something I really wish to avoid.)

Being a misanthrope, I really like people, it's just their species I can't tolerate. Fortunately, Carlin's audiences seem unoffended by his stinging commentaries. Certainly, we need more such astute observers of the state of things.

Someone gave me a boxset of Carlin CD's. I haven't finished 'em yet. In fact, I came across them when emptying out the SUV last weekend before trading it off. You've inspired me to try 'em out in the new car.

enigma4ever said...

Dk - I do remember the StElsewhere episode...and yes, the ZZtop part...wow...see we don't have Alzeimers after all...and Dada- your humor does remind me of Geroge Carlin...in your little photo you kind of look like him saying something snarky and illuminating.,.

Helen said...

Too bad they haven't come out with some double zipper pants. That might be a world service.

Dada said...

Hels: I like you idea, but mightn't the Pope have a problem with that? Oh well, in the absence of double zippered (triple'd be even better) pants, another billion or two more of us and it won't matter I think.

(In fact, I think we may already be way past sustainability w/o the extra billion or two, no?)