Shell Profit Leaps on Rising Oil Prices
LONDON (AP) -- A somewhat embarrassed Chief Financial Officer, Peter Voser, announced today that the profits of Royal Dutch Shell rose an obscene 67 percent over the same period a year earlier. Shell, one of the world's largest oil companies, said its third-quarter profit grew from $5.62 billion in 2004 to an incredible $9.39 billion this quarter.
Soaring oil prices far outweighed the loss of oil production due to hurricane damaged rigs in the Gulf of Mexico. And while repairs to rigs and refineries may cost as much as $350 million after taxes, Shell said in effect, "Not to worry," explaining most of that expense will be "shelled" out by insurance companies, thus assuring minimal impact on their huge profits.
"We are capturing the benefits of high oil and gas prices," Peter Voser said, finding it difficult to conceal his glee. He went on to say Shell's 275,000 barrel-a-day Port Arthur refinery will be back on line soon, although hinted there's really no hurry because short supply equals higher prices/profits despite consumer inconvenience and economic hardship.
When asked if 50-100% profit increases being reported by oil companies due to Gulf shutdowns and loss of refining capacity might not cause the industry to rethink its economic model by inducing future artificial, manmade shortages, Voser, appearing to restrain a smile, refused to comment.
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The Nuclear Threat Expands
Prime Minister Paavo Lipponen announced Wednesday Finland's commitment to go forth with construction of a new nuclear power plant. Confirmed by a 107 to 92 parliamentary vote in favor of the proposal, Lipponen said, "We are very happy with this decision."
But similar elation was not forthcoming by U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice who, during a visit to Paris, warned Finland it faces referral to the U.N. Security Council unless it refuses to back away from its defiant stance on nuclear proliferation.
Vice President Dick Cheney said that Finland was at the top of the administration's list of world trouble spots, posing an immediate threat to its European neighbors and conceivably the U.S. later this year or early 2006.
Emphasizing the gravity of the situation, Cheney noted the U.S. is drawing up contingency plans if Finland refuses to reconsider its nuclear ambitions. He would not say if those plans included a military option.
In the sternest warning to Helsinki, President Bush said "all options are on the table" if the Finnish refuse to comply with international demands to halt their nuclear program, pointedly noting he has already used force to protect U.S. security and will not hesitate to use it again.
In an off-the-record remark afterwards, Bush was overheard to say to a chuckling Secretary of Offense, Don Rumsfeld, "The Finnish may be more 'Finnished' than they know."
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Prophylactic Aid
Kofi Annan, UN secretary-general, in a meeting with diplomats in Geneva yesterday pleaded with member nations for additional aid pledges to Pakistan. Hundreds of millions more will be needed for the relief effort for the earthquake that has killed an estimated 50,000 Annan said.
Campaigning organizations such as Oxfam have accused industrialized countries for doing far too little. "The public will be shocked that so many rich governments have given so little," Oxfam said yesterday.
As a result, the U.S. has raised its relief commitment from the $50 million originally pledged October 8th to $156 million. Secretary of State, Condoleezza Rice, warned, however, the funds do not come without strings. Rice strongly stipulated that none of the US aid allocated must be used for abortions, to fund family planning, AIDS prevention or free condoms for earthquake victims.
(DISCLAIMER: News by Dada from an alternate Universe--any resemblence to real news is intended, but strictly parody.)
5 comments:
hey bloodroot--thanks for the feedback. I confess, that first one (the best one) was easiest of all to write because, "I truly believe an oil exec would act just like that" too.
So....you're sending it around as fact explain why the networks picked up on it by any chance? [grin]
Whoa...wait a minute bloodroot. I just reread that first story. Actually, I can't take credit for any of that, save maybe the last paragraph.
No, sadly, all the rest is deeply seeped in fact. I may have embellished the descriptive language of it, but it's all factual, so if you haven't apologized to friends, don't bother.
Just wish I create such funny stuff on my own, but sadly I leaned on the CFO of a major oil company for that.
dada ~ in response to your oil story, I only want to add another p.s. The oil execs, while claiming huge profits, also tell us that they are not bragging. HUH???
I guess they don't want to lose their "needy" facade as our congress writes out their checks.
British Petroleum has just announced it is cutting 8.9% of its production and refining workforce across Europe in order to streamline its operations. Apparently, as BP and the other oil cos. realize, maximizing production doesn't maximize profits (as hurricane season so aptly demonstrated). BP can raise its obscene profit margins by axing nearly 9% of its employees which will result in even greater obscene profits.
(I guess if 'scarcities' result, they'll just have to raise prices, huh?)
Meanwhile here in the States, our congress continues its welfare dole to their country club buddies. Earlier this year as the top ten oil companies raked in $100 billion in profits for 2004--a 30% increase--our reps gave $8 billion worth of subsidies and tax breaks to the cash-rich oil and gas industry.
Keep in mind that '04 was a "lean" year for Big Oil (sniff, sniff--those "poor" bastards) compared to this year where many are reporting between 50-100% profit increases over last year's. So what do our representatives do for their buddies this fall? Increase the subsidies and tax breaks to oil!
But I'm pretty sure Big Oil will pass much of those giveaways down to grandma to help heat her house in New Hampshire this winter.
If it's bad now, try to imagine what it will be like when world production really declines from global depletion. I'm sure the need to REALLY subsidize the industry will be even greater.
As someone said, "It's time to take the rich off welfare."
Cheney and Finland..really???a new level of absurd....
I still lurk here often..good stuff....
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