Tuesday, June 23, 2009

I need to buy a gun. Not to harm anyone. Just in case I need to shoot back.

Dada's first garden harvests: two bite sized potatoes and a
smallish green (turned red) mushy (not crispy, firm) pepper.

Following the trend of many Americans who are expecting the economy to collapse into the depths of total despair with the resultant irretrievable former *lives-as-we-knew-them* (for at least a few months if not forever), I decided to take up gardening. Just as California has always been the nation's trend setter, we might want to watch 'em as an indicator of what the rest of us might expect as the the former "Golden State" sinks into the abyss of economic budgetary hell.

And knowing my Wal-Mart supercenter might let me down as a continued reliable source of minimal nutritional subsistence, I put my ear to the ground to 'see' what other Americans were doing. Apparently, from the unsettling sounds I heard, they're really 'digging the Earth' unlike anytime during my current lifespan.

So wearying of reading of others successes -- stuff like them devouring their first sweet delicious home grown tomatoes unlike you can get in any grocery store, I decided, "I'll raise a garden too!"

I can now report the first results of my efforts. They're pictured above in the altered, former, "NO GUNS ALLOWED" symbol that displayed a pistol I took the liberty to replace with my bite sized potatoes and 'mooshy' midget supposed-to-be-green red pepper. (Note the dime giving some idea of the scale of my first harvested.)

It was this reminder--of my dismal gardening skills-- that I have decided, if I am to survive in the brave new grocery-storeless world, it might require owning a handgun. Mind you, I'm not into guns. Don't own one and don't intend anyone any harm. But if caught raiding someone's garden in the dark of night and am fired upon by a hyper-protective green thumber who wants to kill me me over a couple of tomatoes and a zucchini, I'll have no alternative but to return fire.

Hence, if anyone would like to recommend a nice smallish semi-automatic pistola that can be comfortably tucked into a front pocket or waistbamd of some cargo shorts for nighttime garden harvesting, I'm open to suggestions.

After all, the survival instinct is one of our strongest right?


Fran said...

Ahh this reminds me of a gardening attempt we made several years ago growing our own corn.

We harvested 3 very small, pathetic ears of corn for our family of 4, shrugged & said "thus concludes the great corn harvest of 2005".

Successful gardening means tweaking the soil to the right consistency & ph "loam" so plants get what they need.... not sure how your soil is, but our is acid/clay, so it needs all kinds of stuff added.
Maybe go check with local extension people, or master gardeners to get the secrets of successful gardening.

So forget gun tips... learn to grow at least easy plants that do well in your area- enough to give away extras & live in peace, my friend.

Dada said...

Thanks, Fran: Of course, the county ag extension people! Excellent suggestion.

We're actually growing these in a barrel so the soil is mostly *artificial* (purchased at Lowe's).

While we have other barrels that exuded the most delicious waftings of bourbon after watering their contents the first couple of seasons, the new veggie barrel has no such pleasant olfactory emissions. Instead, after watering, an oil slick water run-off appears on the ground, leaving us weary of anything grown in it. (Stay tuned for the tomatoes, now large but still green.)

I confess to thoughts of, "Well, if everything goes to hell, total collapse, there's always native prickly pear which grows in abundance. (But how long would they last with a potential 700,000 other hungry people also seeking 'em out?

This is followed by thoughts of, "Well, do I really want to survive this transition -- even if with our own tomatoes (which would probably require procurement of a gun to protect 'em which would probably put one in graver danger of surviving in defense of their tomatoes than starvation would, huh?)

Oh gee, hope no one else reads this lest they get the wrong impression and think me a pessimist or something! ~Da

Border Explorer said...

Gee, I sure hope none of your friends reports you to the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Vegetables...like my "friends" did to me!!

Dada said...

"Oh touche!" I suppose I had that coming, huh? :~)

D.K. Raed said...

plant zucchini. no one can not grow zucchini.

maybe your potatoes were affected by the cooler-than-normal weather? I've never heard of growing potatoes in pots so maybe that is the problem (lack of aeration/roots getting too hot/humid). Oh listen to me, the one who did not even try to grow regular-size tomatoes here this year after the previous disappointing years!

The best tomatoes I ever grew in the desert were "hitchhiking" cherry tomatoes that had seeded themselves into some other plant I was planting. They quickly took over a huge area & I ended up with hundreds, maybe THOUSANDS, of the little things! I ended up giving them away to everyone I saw, to the point that people starting running away from me & my cherry tomato baskets.

hmmmm....somehow we did NOT have that problem with our avocados. I found out that people will actually BEG for avocados. must be an inner desire for acaquatls (little testicles in the original guatamalan).

D.K. Raed said...

ps, nancy reagan's teensy little purse-size gun might be available. just don't shoot your veggies by accident ... unless you wish to follow the extinction route of the condors.

Dada said...

D.K. Re the potatoes, you are precisely right, I am sure. I never expected to really reap anything seriously consumable because they were stifled, deprived of their freedom from their confinement in "cages." But in watching them, I am learning about them. And in harvesting my miniatures ("tater tots" I like to call 'em), I found a particular joy I haven't experienced since a childhood Easter egg hunt when I still believed in a monster bunny running loose in the neighborhood one night a year.

The couple of green tomatoes we have are quite large. I wish they'd turn red soon, but I suspect when they do, other garden pests (besides we humans) will be attracted to 'em before they're reaped. It's all a learning process in our first time out of the gate.

Sadly, I must report: I am no fan of zucchinis and, having grown up surrounded by orchards of avocados, them either. "Hold the guacamole!" is always an appendage to my comida orders.