Saturday, April 22, 2006

Those Resplendent Ribbons!

I'm getting pretty sick of these freaky anti-war pacifist's arguments against our Iraq war on terrorism. First of all, their goddamned talking points about the pre-war intel being cherry picked, manipulated, or outright lies is getting pretty stale. Okay, I confess, it is beginning to look like the reasons we went into Iraq were all trumped up, I'll give 'em that much.

But one of their other main contentions against the liberation of Iraqis from their oppressed lives under Saddam is really beginning to fray my patience. And that's because it's their side's *big lie*. That's the one these wimpy warriors love to hit us with. It goes like this: "This is the first major war requiring no sacrifices by Americans back home."

And that's just flat-out bullshit. I have proof. I personally have been sacrificing to the tune of $3-4 bucks a year for this war. I'm talking about those great little car magnet ribbons and the backsides of everyone's cars, trucks and SUVs. Yeh, sure I was a little late to jump on this band wagon. It took a year or so before I realized I was beginning to look apathetic and disengaged to other motorists around me. So I finally made the sacrifice.

To support the war, my first ribbon was a "Bring 'em home" magnet. After about a year or so, I noticed everyone had a preterequisite magnet on their ass ends. So proud was I of the sacrifices being made by so many, I replaced my faded hackneyed one with a shiny new "One Nation under Ribbons!" magnet. (And that came at a hefty sacrifice of $2.99, plus shipping.)

So don't lay it on me that I'm not sacrificing for the war, petty pacificists. Me and every other damned American are doing our share. We're feeling the pain right where it hurts most--in the wallet.

Now that it's time for my third ribbon, I was shopping on the web for a replacement when I came across the following sarcastic attack on all of us doing our part for this war.


Well, it's pretty obvious the folks selling these are trying to make some kind of statement at the expense of millions of earnest Americans. And it's not just against the war either. They're attacking everyone sporting a ribbon for whatever reason or worthy cause, to wit:
***
Hey, what about the pink breast cancer ribbon, though? What are you PRO-CANCER or something you black-hearted JERK?

Oh, we're sure they're useful.

For example, say you're stuck in traffic on the Williamsburg bridge in your 2003 Chevy Suburban, and another guy, who is a breast cancer researcher, is stuck behind you talking to his wife on his cell phone. He tells her that he has just dropped the kids off at violin practice, he took the garbage out before he left -- he even unplugged the coffee maker, but he just can't shake this strange nagging feeling that he has forgotten to do something. Just as those words come out of his mouth, he glances up and sees your pink magnetic breast cancer ribbon that has "Find a Cure" written across it, at which point he comically slaps his forehead and exclaims:

"Ohhhhhh YEAH! THAT'S WHAT I FORGOT TO DO!!! YOU KNOW, FUCKING CURE CANCER! HAHA, I TOTALLY FUCKING FORGOT THAT I WAS SUPPOSED TO DO THAT."

***
Now, that's being real smartass! Well, there's some good news. Now that every car in America's sporting at least one ribbon, market saturation has reduced the price of these magnets dramatically. Making the cost of supporting our war effort cheaper for everyone.

So if you're as repulsed as I am at the above snarky sneering sentinels of sarcasm and their "We support the guy in China selling these idiotic magnets", maybe you will want to consider buying not just one, but two or three car magnets for your car's ass end. Take a stand! Maybe while supporting the war on terror, you can support the war on breast cancer or some other wars as well.

What better way to support good causes by showing how we're sacrificing, 'sharing the pain' of a nation at wars with all kinds of shit besides Iraqis, while disproving our apathy at the same time?

5 comments:

PTCruiser said...

Bravo, Dada. I personally plan to go out of my way to purchase a plastic magnet that proudly states that I am in support of the "War on the War on Civil Rights". I couldn't think of a better way to scream out to the world what a patriot I truly am, than to plunk down a couple of bucks for a ribbon magnet.

Excellent work there, Dada. Thanks.

Nina said...

I'm sorry, Dada but all I have to say to that is this:

Fuck the ribbons

dada said...

ptcruiser: I like that one. It's not only catchy, but very necessary. (Expect to be visited by a bunch of suits who want to search your digs.)

But I appreciate your "scream" such that I found my own magnet popping up on the electronic maniacally changing sign board of my mind. "I support the war on war" before it was just as suddenly replaced by an ad for jawbone rotting Fosamax.

dada said...

Ah nina: Leave it to you to cut to the chase, thus exposing--for all to see--my underriding theme of this blog.

And truthfully? I couldn't have put it more eloquently. Thank you! (Despite revealing my hidden agenda.)

Anonymous said...

dada, fosamax really rots jawbones? Or is it a "war on war on" thing? D.K.