(News from the parallel Universe just to the right of this one, or how The National Rifle Association saluted America's demigod #37, General Tommy Franks, ret., aka "The Man with the Plan.")
General Tommy Franks was honored Saturday night at the NRA's annual banquet in Milwaukee. It is Franks ingenious plan for the invasion, triumph, and most profitable occupation of Iraq which America is now executing with a success no one thought possible. We know it's successful, because Don Rumsfeld tells us so. And the president agrees.
As Franks assured his audience and all families with members in the military, "What we're talking about is neither 2,400, 24,000 or 240,000 lives, Terrorism is a thing that threatens our way of life."
If we have to kill Iraqi insurgents fighting to save their country, to kill 800, a 1,000 or more of these men along with their women and children for every one "terrorist" we bag, it's a cost we and the Iraqis must pay, Franks seemed to be assuring the crowd with his 'fishing with hand grenades' analogy. I'm sure that's something every shotgun marksman in the NRA crowd responded to enthusiastically.
In the parallel Universe just to the right of ours, one could hear a few members still at the cash bar in the back of the room break into shouts of, "Let's go shoot us some traitors," and "Yeh, let's kill them peacenik commie bastards!"
As the shouts to shoot something died down, Franks reframed his support for his former leader, Don Rumsfeld, against all his fellow retired 'idiot' generals calling for the defense secretary's resignation. Calling him "grumpy" and "grouchy," Franks assured the crowd, "Don Rumsfeld is an American patriot."
(Dada note: In this alternate Universe just next to ours, honors such as a presidential Medal of Freedom are given--in president Bush's own words--as "our nation's highest civil award to men and women of exceptional merit, integrity and achievement." General Franks received his for his "pivotal role in great events, and whose efforts have made our country more secure and advanced the cause of human liberty."
In this Universe that translates as, "I'm giving you this chintzy $7.95 gold plated medal with red, white and blue ribbon as the cheapest and safest way to buy your silence."
The medal is presented in a public ceremony after the recipient has sworn in a secret pre-ceremony pledge to forever support and praise all members of the administration, to include Don Rumsfeld. No one has been known to violate their pledge, the consequences of which are rumored severe, but remain a closely guarded secret from the public.
Dada suggests those retired general's calls for their former commander, Don Rumsfeld, to step down are just 'sour grapes'. They're obviously pissed that they didn't get their own $7.95 presidential Medals of Freedom like Franks. But they should look at the bright side. They can speak their conscience in calling for Rumsfeld's resignation, which is something Franks can't, having sold that right for seven dollars and ninety-five cents.)
But as the crowd's fervor began to grow again, Franks concluded his 30 minute speech by reminding all, "We have to secure ourselves. We have to secure our Constitution!"
At that point the crowd adjourned to the field out back where a 50 foot bonfire topped with either the effigy of a terrorist or peace activist was ignited as passionate NRA'ers chipped parts off a large carved wooden replica of The Bill of Rights and tossed 'em into the flames in seeming confirmation of conservative judge Andrew Napolitano's assertion that when Americans are in fear, they will willingly sacrifice their rights on a bonfire or their vanities.
*Attribution: (Colin Fly, AP News)